Night Off 2
by cinbru
Summary: This is a sequal to the original Night Off story but from Joe's perspective. With a twist!
1. Chapter 1

I own nothing. Janet owns all these wonderful people.

**Note:** This is the 'burning of the happy house' night from Joe's perspective. If you have not read the original Night Off, you might want to because you will be really, really confused.

**Night Off 2**

**2:30 pm**

I watched Ranger load Steph into his Porsche. Okay, I know it sounds a little callous to feel this way about your girlfriend but I was glad. I had no clue how to explain to her what I was doing there when I was supposed to be off on some secret case. Which in reality is watching Dickie's ass. But when I heard the call go out I had to come see for myself that she was okay. Christ, I can't handle her job.

I saw Marty Gobel walking over. "Jeez, Morelli. Stephanie sure can leave a mark."

"Yeah, I don't want to talk about it."

"You don't have to talk, but I do need you to help us clean this mess up since you're here. There's enough pot here to warrant the DEA and I hate them."

We both glanced at the blazing house. Pot smoke was still billowing out in great clouds all around us. The firemen were desperately trying to put out the flames.

You know, come to think of it, this was kind of funny. I mean, all that pot just floating away. I mean, who the hell named it 'pot' anyway? I started to chuckle.

Marty cut his eyes to me but didn't comment on my giddiness. We walked back toward the house. Police were standing around, watching the show. I wandered over to Carl and Big Dog. "You been here long?"

"Yeah, we were first on the scene." I noticed Carl was talking a little slower than normal, but I didn't comment. Big Dog was shifting around a little bit.

"Man, I'm hungry. Does anybody have any food? I'm really hungry." Now that he mentioned it, I was getting pretty hungry, too.

**4:00 pm**

Looks like they got the fire out. Apparently the firemen just need to hose it down a little more.

**4:30 pm**

We finally figured out that some of the firemen were confused on if the fire was out or not. We took away their hoses. The house was now out but there were still pockets that continued to smoke. They were like big, glowing cherries. Nothing but the frame was left. The DEA showed up to begin collecting evidence. You know, Marty's right. I hate the DEA. I mean, I really hate them.

Carl walked over. "I hate the DEA. You know, if we wanted to, we could kick their asses." I couldn't disagree with this. "I think we should fuck with them."

"Tampering with a crime scene is a federal offense, Carl."

"Yeah, I know! Isn't it great?"

"Actually, it is pretty fucking funny. OK, here's what we're gonna do."

**6:00 pm**

The DEA had finally finished collecting all the evidence that hadn't been burned. After 30 minutes at the scene they were totally into what they were doing and didn't notice Carl, Big Dog and I sneaking around ahead of them. In fact, they didn't notice much of anything. Their superior showed up an hour into the search and had to yell at Jeremy Davis for trying to pee in the living room. Jeremy seemed to be under the impression he needed to write his name in the ash.

**6:20 pm**

Juniak showed up just as the pizza was arriving. He looked around and shook his head. Everyone was still there. Even the firemen. They had camped out on their trucks, watching the show. Every time someone said the word "shit" they would cheer and blast the siren. We had been trying to come up with different words for it for the last hour and a half.

Juniak looked pissed. "What the hell is going on here? Joe, I need an explanation as to why this is taking so long. Carl, Big Dog- I need you to go check out a possible gas leak over off 44th and Oak. Some woman called in freaking out about gas bubbles in her toilet."

"Hey, man! I am so on that. I am going to go bust the dookey out of that call. If there is gas I'm going to find it and, like, do something with it."

Juniak stared at Carl for a beat. "Shit. Never mind. I think someone else needs to go. Now I know why this is taking so long."

"How come?" I asked. Carl, Big Dog and I waited expectantly for him to tell us.

"You'll figure it out."

He turned to the DEA Superior who was bagging the evidence in zip locks. Juniak stared at their collection.

"Shit! What the hell is going on? Are you seriously telling me this is the shit you collected? And why the hell do you idiots keep blasting the sirens!"

We all walked over to the DEA boys. Carl, big Dog and I were cracking up. They had bagged five Penthouse magazines, a charred digital scale, a clock radio, three Always with wings, a Vanilla Ice CD, a Wiggles sing-and-play guitar and a butt plug. It was the best we could do on short notice.

I eyed Carl. "Where did you get the butt plug, anyway?"

He looked away quickly. "Never mind. It doesn't matter. Hey look! Marty brought ice cream!"

Juniak was fuming. "This is what you collect? One piece of evidence?" As he was yelling, smoke was still wafting around him. "I mean, there is pot everywhere and THIS shit is what you get? WOULD YOU STOP WITH THE SIREN!"

Suddenly, he was gone. One minute he was standing there yelling and the next minute he had disappeared. We all stood there flabbergasted. We looked to the left and Juniak lay six feet away soaking wet where he had been blasted off his feet by a fire hose. We all swung to the right to see a pale looking fireman turning off his hose. "There, I put him out."

"What?!" We all yelled.

"He was yelling so he must have been on fire. That what happens when people are on fire."

We swung back to Juniak who was sitting up. "Holy crap! I was on fire? I had no idea!"

**7:55 pm**

We had finally cleared the scene and roped everything off. That took a little longer because some of the officers thought we were tying up the DEA guys. We had also started taking turns shooting each other with the fire hoses. Big Dog was the only one that could keep his feet. Eddie lost so bad he has to wear women's shoes to work tomorrow.

Carl, Eddie, Big Dog, Juniak and I were standing around. I didn't want to say anything, but I think Juniak was stoned.

Eddie spoke up. "Man, I don't want to go home yet. I'm not going home until I know for sure the kids are asleep."

"I could go out." Carl said. "Yep" from Big Dog. We turned to Juniak. "Yeah, what the hell, I'm in."

"Okay, but wherever we go, it has to have food." Carl was thinking hard. "Holy shit!" We all cringed and then realized the trucks had gone home 30 minutes ago. "I seriously have it! Let's go to Domino's!"

Juniak looked crestfallen. "I can't go to a strip club. Man, I want to go. I haven't seen boobs in ages."

"I'm not sure I can go, either. My wife would kill me." Eddie said sadly.

"Yeah, Steph freaks out every time I talk to Terry Gilman. I don't think this would work."

We were despondent. We really wanted to go see the boobs.

"You know, there might be a way we could go…." Big Dog spoke up. We looked up hopefully.

"…if we had disguises."

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

I own nothing. Janet owns all of these wonderful people.

**Night Off 2-Part two**

**9:10 pm **

We walked out of Party City. We had left Juniak in the car because he didn't feel that the Mayor should be in Party City with police officers buying costumes. He muttered something about Village People.

We got back to my house to change. Dickie was waiting for us.

"Where the Hell have you been! I'm bored out of my mind! You have no porn here for me to watch!"

Dickie caught sight of Juniak and his eyes got big. "Hey! It's-"

"No, I'm not. I just look like him. You never saw me."

Carl and Big Dog grabbed Dickie and walked out to the back yard, giggling. I stuck my head out in time to see Carl rolling something up in a little white paper.

"What are you doing, Carl? Did you take that from the crime scene?"

"Uhh…well…ummm…"

"You better fucking share!"

Eddie walked out and looked at us. "Awesome!" he pulled out his stolen goods from his pocket. "I was a little worried to bust this out!"

Just as he was lighting up, Juniak walked out. We froze.

"What's going on? I thought we were changing?" He had already put on his costume. His Lone Ranger outfit was a little tight, but the mask covered most of his face.

Eddie was frozen with the joint halfway to his lips, his eyes on the Mayor. None of us spoke.

"Eddie!" Juniak was shocked. "Is that what I think it is? I am appalled. That is wrong and I have to stop this!"

Eddie started to sputter and Carl hid his joint behind his back and started inching away. Juniak grabbed the joint from Eddie's hand.

"You have to face the house. If you face away, the smoke has an easier chance of carrying into the neighbor's yard!"

**10:45 pm**

Since Domino's didn't serve food we had decided to swing through a drive through on our way. We had been sitting in line at Taco Bell for over 10 minutes.

Dickie was driving. Since he was under protection that meant he was automatically designated sober driver.

"God!" Big Dog was complaining. "What the Hell is taking so long? I think I'm eating my own stomach!"

"I'm not sure what they ordered that is so complicated, but it's that black Explorer two cars up. I think they keep changing their order."

**11:10 pm**

We finally got to Domino's. The place was pretty packed. It looked like half of Trenton was there. Thank God we had disguises.

We got up to the bouncer and pulled out our fake ID's. See, since we are police we can get this stuff. And it's quality.

The bouncer stared at us for a good 20 seconds and then stared at our ID's.

"Hmmm. Let's see if I have this straight. We have the Lone Ranger here whose name is Lyle Lovett?"

"Yes, that's me! Lyle Lovett!" I elbowed Juniak to shut up.

He turned to me next. "And Tonto here, you're Steven Tyler. Nice face paint by the way. But I'm afraid you are going to have to leave the bow and arrows outside."

"No, no! I'm not Tonto. I'm just an Indian. Tonto would be gay."

"Whatever, Tonto." He turned to Eddie. "And, of course, fat Elvis. Whose name is…Carl Sagan."

Eddie looked crushed. "I was going for young, skinny Elvis."

"Yeah, you failed." He turned to Carl and Big Dog. "Ahhh, KISS. That's actually pretty good. No! Don't do the tongue thing! You think I want to see that?"

"And last but not least… what the hell are you?"

Dickie had not been to Party City with us. When he heard we were going to see the boobs he flipped and insisted he come. The only thing we had was some of Steph's clothes and make-up, which none of us knew what to do with. He was hideous. He looked like Bea Arthur. With short, brown hair. Dickie was pissed.

"Yeah, I'm a chick."

"And your name is Ivana Trump?"

"What of it? He had money."

"Shit. Just go in. All of you."

The second he said it, Eddie bolted through the door at a run. We followed after Eddie. He stopped short when he got in and the rest of us crashed into him one at a time. We looked at Eddie and then we looked to see what he was ogling.

And there they were. Boobs. They were everywhere. Big ones and sm-…well, just big ones. But there were a lot of them. Boobs jiggling on the pole. Boobs jiggling on the stage. Boobs jiggling in a cage….

Dickie was trying to get Eddie to move and was looking at me funny. "What are you smiling about?"

"I think I just wrote a Dr. Seuss book."

**12:50 am**

We had parked ourselves at a table near the front. None of us had been able to move for about an hour. Every once in a while some boobs would come near us and we would start to twitch and make noise. But mostly they stayed away. I really don't understand why. Our disguises made us look just like everyone else. In fact, I think they made us look hot, because people kept staring.

Dickie left us about 15 minutes into our immobility and we hadn't seen him in a while. I did hear one set of boobs telling another pair about some pervert drag queen that was running around. Hope Dickie stayed away from him.

Right about then the music changed to something slow and sassy. Some boobs walked out on stage and informed the audience that they needed a volunteer. Someone who had been bad and needed punishing.

Before we could stop him, Juniak was jumping up and down screaming.

"Oh, God! I have been so bad! You gotta pick me! My wife is saggy and this might be my last chance! Please! Boobs, pick me!"

The boobs motioned over towards him. "Oh, alright. What the Hell. The Lone Ranger can come up. And you can bring Tonto."

"No! I'm not Tonto!"

"Whatever, Tonto. You coming?"

"Of course."

Juniak had already scrambled on stage and was sitting in the chair grinning wildly. The token male employee was bringing out another chair for me. Silver dollar boobs was talking to us and the audience. "We think you have been baaaad. We think you should sit in that chair with NO touching!" She wagged her finger at us as she said it. She strode over to me and small-but-bouncy boobs walked over to Juniak. The music changed to Future Sex Love Sounds and silver dollars began grinding. She straddled me and shoved her boobs in my face. When she pulled back she had some of my face paints on them.

I looked over at Juniak and he had his mouth open and was staring at the small-but-bouncies. He kept trying to reach up and grab them, and she would slap his hand away. I missed the rest because right then silver dollars bent all the way back to the floor and her g-string rode to the side. I pitched a tent so fast I almost knocked her off.

After a few minutes of this show she swung to face the cheering audience. "Who thinks they need more punishment?"

I could hear Carl. "Spank them! Make them suck your toes!"

"Oh, no!" Silver dollar boobs was saying. "They aren't getting off that easy!" The crowd went ballistic when she said 'getting off'. Juniak and I were hauled to our feet. Before I knew it, we were stripped to our underwear. Luckily, I had on some respectable boxers but Juniak was sporting tighty-whities which were a little too tighty. And see through. The crowd was going nuts.

Small-but-bouncy came walking on stage with a bucket. "Who wants to see the Lone Ranger and Tonto become really dirty boys?"

"I'm not Tont-"

But Juniak was already yelling "I do!" at the top of his lungs. Silver dollar reached in the bucket and pulled out a paint brush. "Turn around, boys!"

I turned around as the crowd was chanting "3! 2! 1!" Small-but-bouncies and silver dollars started painting us all over with the paint. Apparently it was glow in the dark because suddenly the lights cut out and a black light came on. They painted a huge penis on our backs and then turned us around and give us our own paint boobs. Last but not least they played connect the dots with our man parts.

"Now dance for us, boys!"

It must have been Justin night because Sexyback came on. Juniak started gyrating close to small-but-bouncy. He was gong nuts. Feet planted, arms halfway in the air, hips vibrating. His painted boobs looked like they were trying to make an escape.

Silver dollar boobs came up to me and I grabbed her around the waist and got my freak on. I mean, what the hell.

"Hi." The boobs whispered "I'm Holly."

"I'm Tonto."

Juniak was getting more and more into his dance. Small-but-bouncy was laughing trying to keep up. The crowd was chanting "Lone Ranger! Lone Ranger!" You could tell he was totally convinced that he had it going on.

The music was blasting 'get your sexy on!' and this must have inspired him because he tried to do a leap spin in the air. This was too much for his mask and it went flying off into the corner and he froze wide-eyed and blinking. The crowd went silent. The music scratched off. Boobs and I clutched each other. We just all sat there staring at the mayor.

Juniak stood up straight and held his head up. "You all can't see me. I'm invisible!" The crowd clapped and cheered. He looked perplexed that his invisible theory didn't work.

"OK, how about this. You forget you saw me and I'll lower taxes!" The crowd screamed. "And I'll legalize marijuana!" The crowd roared and began chanting "Lone Ranger!" again. The music started back up and Juniak grabbed small-but-bouncies and buried his face in them while she shrieked.

Silver dollar Holly boobs grabbed my hand and led me off the stage. She gave me an impish little smile. "Let's have a drink, Tonto." Oh, yeah. This is a fucking awesome night.

**2:25 am**

The club had closed and we had migrated back to my house. Carl kept trying to hit on Dickie. We were all out in the back yard. The boobs named Holly, small-but-bouncy and some more boob friends had joined us. Eddie had produced more stolen evidence and we were dutifully facing the house.

Juniak passed out on the kitchen floor about five minutes after we got home. We froze his tighty-whities, placed beer cans all over him and took pictures.

Currently, Holly had her tongue down my throat. We had found a little secluded corner of the backyard and I was wondering if my loin cloth was going to keep me covered. It didn't really matter because her hand was sneaking that way.

"So, are you available, Tonto?"

"Yes. NO! Shit. I have a girlfriend."

"Is this a really serious girlfriend?"

"Actually, we have been having some problems, but I can't cheat on her."

Holly and her boobs looked sad. I really didn't want her to be sad. I wanted her to be bent over and holding onto the retaining wall….

"Hang on Holly. I need to make a phone call."

**Meanwhile across town…**

"Oh. My. God. You have got to be shitting me."

"Babe, who could that possibly be? It's 2:45 in the morning. We have been asleep for 10 minutes."

"That was Joe. I'm speechless." I felt Ranger tense beside me.

"What did he want?"

I was grinning. "He wants to see other people. He doesn't think we are right for the long haul. Something about I'm quarter size not silver dollars. I didn't understand that part."

Ranger sat bolt upright. "Are you telling me that Cindy changed her mind?"

"Looks like it."

I was pinned flat before another heartbeat went by. Ranger scooped me up to him and kissed me like there was no tomorrow. Our clothes went flying.

"Babe, this is _now_ the best night off ever." Ranger breathed as he slid into me. I had to agree.

The end


End file.
